Selena and Griselda Mami & Man: Yeah. La vida bien comida. Adobo. Looks so good. O.K., it’s really good. Yum. But you need a lot of tortillas for it. . . Selena: Mami . . .I’m asking you to do something. Mami: You should be eating. Selena: Did you see that? Mami: When you’re finished eating. Gricelda Gricelda: I am from Veracruz, Mexico.The village I’m from is called Nigromante, a very small village.We are a Zapotec village. We speak Zapoteco.I arrived here in 1991. At first things were very difficult for us.Finding work, family problems . . .it’s not easy making it in this country.I got married in ’93,my daughter was born in ’95.Selena. My first daughter. Selena Man: So could you give us a little app on your i-pad and show us? Selena: I’m making wallpaper. Man: Which is your favorite one? Selena: The ocean. But on this one my little brother. Gricelda: I first sensed that Selena was different when my mother told me, “Gris, something’s wrong with your daughter.” I said, “There’s nothing wrong.” She said, “Yes, there’s something wrong: she still hasn’t talked . . . she won’t go to the bathroom by herself . . . she bumps into the walls.” I said, “So? She’s only two years old.” We took her to an optometrist who told us she needed glasses. “Okay, she’s fine now. Everything’s fine. She’ll start being like all the other kids.” She said, “No, there’s still something different.” When I took her to the doctor he said she was fine. I would call to her, “Selena? Sely? Selena?” Selena wouldn’t hear me. If she was focused on one thing, that was it. She would get her toys and put them all in a straight line. I would say, “Wow, she’s learned how to make lines!” But it was the way she entertained herself: she could spend hours doing only one thing. Only one thing. Without growing bored. I would grow tired, but she wouldn’t. When she was four years old and in daycare, my sister gave her a Barney video. I never really liked that character, I didn’t think he was funny. And so ugly! What could he teach my daughter? So I played it. I think she liked the many colors, the songs, and I saw that Selena would sit in front of the T.V. and spend hours there. If it was possible for her to spend all day sitting there, she would spend all day there, happily. Barney video: Fun! Fun! Fun with everyone! Gonna play all day. Going to have fun together. Gricelda: Barney helped me very much, After I stopped not-liking him. I learned that my daughter could focus on what she saw, she could listen-to and repeat what she heard. I saw that, yes, she could speak. She repeats what she sees. She can speak! When I would ask her something, she wouldn’t respond. When I would sing, she wouldn’t sing. But when I would play the video and sing along, she would repeat along. When she saw me singing she must have thought, “My mom is part of Barney. If she can sing, then I can sing along with her.” Selena: And this is me when I was a little small. It’s, and I love Barney, of course. My, my little picture. It doesn’t look exactly like me, but it’s me. And this is Barney, ‘cause I loved Barney a lot when I was small. And I used to learn it from him as well. Man: Do you remember any of the songs? Selena: No. Man: Do you remember the songs? Selena: No. Not one of them. No, ‘cause when I grew and grew, I don’t watch Barney no more. Gricelda: It’s difficult now that Selena’s in high school. It was a difficult transition from elementary to middle school. It was difficult in that she’s very naïve and many kids would take advantage of her. When she began middle school, the sixth grade, it was a difficult year because other girls would pick on her. She is very quiet. No one wanted to sit at the same table with her. No one wanted to eat with her. No one wanted to socialize with her. That first year was difficult, not just for her but for me too. She would come home from school very sad. She would cry for two, three hours crying and yelling. She wouldn’t tell me they were bothering her at school. Girls would hit her, push her, put gum in her hair. She would come home like that and I’d ask her, “Why is there gum in your hair?” “I don’t know. I don’t know.” Selena: They’re nice to me and everything in high school and they’re nice. It’s nice. They, they invite me to stay with them during nutrition and lunch, and when I don’t do nothing I just hang out with them, or if not they hang out with other friends as well. Gricelda: Selena is very strong at math. In math she’s always received an ‘A.’ Whenever there were tests and worksheets the girls who’d picked on her began saying, “Okay, Sely. We’re sorry. We won’t bother you anymore.” They knew they couldn’t pick on her as they had before. They began calling the house: “Excuse me, ma’am. Is Selena there?” “Sure, let me get her.” Selena would take the phone . . . and I’d watch her go hide in her room afraid that I’d be listening. And I’d hear, “Yes, don’t worry.” From a distance I saw my daughter begin to sweat heavily. “Yes, Yes! Don’t worry! I’ll get it done! I’m doing it now! Yes, I’ll give it to you tomorrow!” Next day, the same thing. “Sely, it’s for you.” “Okay.” When she received calls from this “friend,” I noticed she always looked ill. So I grabbed the other phone got on the line and listened in. “Sely, did you finish my homework? If you don’t I won’t be your friend.” “Sely, did you do my homework? I need it for tomorrow.” It was hard going to her school and telling the teachers, “My daughter’s being picked on. What can you do?” The principal told me, “I have two-thousand students. I cannot work with just your daughter. There are special classes for her.” I said, “No. I don’t want her in special classes. She’s in regular classes and that’s where I want her.” In front of the principal and teacher I told Selena: “If anyone picks on you, defend yourself. Hit them if you have to. If that’s the only way to defend yourself, hit them.” The teacher said, “No!” I said, “I only have one daughter. You have two-thousand students to take care of. I only have one.” “I’m very sorry,” I said. “It’s the only way I see for Selena to be defended.” Man: Who were some of your close friends? Selena: Well, I have one of them that she’s still goes to Roosevelt and another one still but she left somewhere else and everything. So it’s nice. Gricelda: I began asking, “Why are they picking on you? What is it they’re saying to you?” She said, “They tell me I’m a boy, that I act like a boy.” I said, “What do you mean? You’re a girl.” She said, “They pick on me because they say I’m a lesbian.” I asked, “Do you know what that is?” She said, “I think so.” I asked, “What is it?” She said, “A girl who likes another girl, just like there are boys who like other boys.” She asked, “Is it bad?” I said, “No, it’s not bad.” It’s not bad because it’s who you are, how you choose to be, who you are within yourself.” Then I told her, “You have to be sure that’s who you are.” I asked, “Do you like boys or girls?” She replied, “I think I like girls.” I said, “Ok. Perfect. When anyone calls you a lesbian, you say, ‘Yes I am.’” We parents of special-needs children learn we have to be more than just parents. We learn how to be lawyers, how to be doctors, how to diagnose our own children. We learn how to be psychologists to others. We even learn how to be teachers –- to other children, to other parents who don’t understand what a special-needs child is. Between takes, our conversation turned to Gricelda’s estranged husband’s brief appearance that morning to retrieve his three youngest children. This encounter threatened to stop the interview and left Gricelda visibly shaken. Gricelda: If you have, if you have your partner with you, sometimes they, they don’t understand what happened with your daughter. It’s really hard because they don’t want to stay with them. They don’t understand you need stay more with your daughter, with the kids have your attention, and so then they just say, “I can’t. I can’t and I leaving. I don’t want to stay more here.” And that’s the time you say and you’re feeling you’re alone. You really are alone. I feel really alone when somebody’s coming and say, “I can’t stay with more time with you.” Even if he have three children with you, and they say, “I’m leaving,” I say “Wow.” And now you need to have father and mom for four children, and only one for four, is really hard. But I feel really good because I, I know I could do it. I say, “Yes, I could do it.” I’m going to do it with my daughter when I don’t know what happened with it. I don’t know what is autism. Now I could I know what can I’m doing. Gricelda: For three years I’ve been working in West Hollywood at a gay bar. Sometimes I feel God put me here for a reason. I didn’t understand much about my daughter’s condition. These kids are very marginalized. Gays and lesbians are also ostracized and I don’t know why. I think we’re all the same. I love my work here. It’s a place that has taught me much, that everyone has the right to love openly regardless of which gender they prefer. Selena: The x-square. So on this one, you can factor out a two. It’s going to be x-square minus, and then it’s thirty-two divided by two, so it’s one, two, minus sixteen. This is all my dream: math, math, math. This is easy stuff. And on that class, I get an A, an A, an A, an A. Gricelda: My dream for Selena is that she be independent. To have a normal life the kind of life everyone else has. I want her to be a happy person, to feel accepted and comfortable with who she is. I want her to feel fulfilled as a woman as a person in her work. I want her . . . to be happy in this life. Selena: See if you can catch! Ha, ha, ha. I’m going to go find my shoes. Gricelda: To be happy regardless of what others say, regardless of how others may . . . bother or harass her. We’ve all been guilty of singling out others who may look or dress or behave differently. All of us can be critical and judgmental. Man: Good throw. Selena: Thank you. Gricelda: To have a job . . . to have her own home. To have her call me up out of the blue and say, “Mom, come to my place!” My dream is to simply hear my daughter say, “Mom, I’m happy.”